


Making This Up As I Go

by nameless_wanderer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor and Evan are flipped, Discussions of mental illness, Dissociative Episodes, M/M, Role Reversal, Zoe and Jared are flipped, also its p frickin gay, i guess its gonna be a bit of a slow burn, idk what id call this au i guess like, mature rating is for mentions of sexual activity/thoughts, so yeah um theres gonna be a lot of Evan angst. especially in the early chapters, the title describes my writing process
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-02-07 01:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12830175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: When a classmate commits suicide, Connor Murphy finds himself at the center of a web of lies, rewriting history and creating a reality that just might benefit everyone.~An AU where Evan is the one who died (sorry).





	1. First Day of School

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fanboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanboy/gifts).



Connor Murphy was not ready to deal with school. Not so soon. Summer hadn't lasted nearly long enough, and he hadn't really done a whole lot during it, mostly just fucked around and gotten high. But here he was, on the first day of his senior year, and despite his best efforts his mother had woken him up to get him ready for school. He groaned for what must've been the fifth time that morning as he finally conceded defeat and began getting dressed. He lazily threw on clothes that probably weren't clean and dragged his feet as he walked down the stairs. Both his parents were already at the table, his father pretending to distract himself on the phone so he didn't have to face his overeager wife or his two children, the daughter and the fuck-up. His mother was making herself busy as she made coffee, made sack lunches, and whatever else she saw fit to do that morning. She gave a nervous smile at Connor as he descended the stairs. He wanted to roll his eyes but just managed to restrain himself.

"Connor! I wasn't sure you would be joining us for breakfast." He made it to the final step and shrugged as he walked towards the kitchen table. "Here, let me make you breakfast!" his mother said in that too-excited voice she had.

"Jesus Christ Mom, I'm not five years old. I can make myself breakfast." While this was true, he had no intention of actually getting breakfast. He decided not to mention this fact. In any case, he was too late, she had already poured a bowl of cereal in his usual spot. He grunted as he sat down, ignoring his father and his sister as she came down the stairs. He had a few bites of the cereal before deciding he really wasn't hungry. He set the spoon down and stared into his bowl, lost in thought. His mind was racing, but it felt completely blank. It was like thinking about everything and nothing all at once. Of course that made no fucking sense so… what was he thinking about? Then all at once it stopped as something he heard caught his attention, leaving him to quietly ponder what the fuck had just happened.

He vaguely looked up to see Zoe already halfway through her breakfast, his father still ignoring everyone, and his mother looking at him expectantly. He didn't know what to say.

"I asked if you were excited for school, Connor."

Connor looked back at his cereal bowl. "I'm not going today."

Cynthia's smile fell. "What?" Connor shrugged, not turning to look at her. "It's your senior year Connor, you are not missing your first day."

He shook his head, not looking up. "I already said I'd go tomorrow." He had, in fact, told her this last night, but the conversation didn't quite resolve so much as it fizzled out when she had left the room saying she couldn't deal with him at the moment. He looked up and turned to look at her. "I'm trying to find a compromise here."

Cynthia turned to her husband. "Are you going to get involved here or are you too busy on your email, Larry?"

Larry didn't look up from his phone. "You have to go to school, Connor." Connor quietly chuckled to himself and looked back down at his cereal.

"That's all you're going to say?"

"What do you want me to say?" Larry said, turning to Cynthia. "He doesn't listen. Look at him. He's not listening. He's probably high."

"He's definitely high," Zoe chimed in.

His parents talking about how much of a disappointment was one thing. But for some reason he couldn't stand Zoe piling on. "Fuck _youuu_!" He placed his arms on the table and collapsed his head onto them. Contrary to his father's opinion, he was always listening. And he heard everything they said about him.

"Fuck you!" Zoe retorted.

"I do not need you picking at your brother right now, that is not constructive," Cynthia desperately tried to intervene but was always just too late.

"Are you kidding?" Zoe asked.

"Besides, he's not high." Connor lifted his head at this, not saying anything. Though his mother was behind him, he could almost see the image of her face contorting in shock. "Are you high?" He opened his mouth as if about to say something, but stopped. He wasn't actually high, but he wasn't content to give anybody the satisfaction of being right. Cynthia sighed. "I don't want you going to school high, Connor, we have talked about this!"

"Perfect! So then I won't go!" He grabbed his bag from under the chair, right where he had left it last night. "Thanks, Mom!" he called out, walking back up to his room. As he walked down the hall he heard Zoe yell out something about him. Probably accusing him of something that never happened, again. He sighed. He put in his earbuds, started to play some music, and lied back down on his bead, staring at the ceiling. It was only a few minutes before he saw someone waiting outside his door.

"I'm not actually high," he said. Cynthia quietly nodded and took a step in his room. He took out his left earbud.

"I know school is tough, but you need to try, Connor." He hated it when his mom did this. He hated it when she actually tried, because then it was harder to pretend to hate her. "Zoe's waiting for you in the car." After last time, his parents didn't trust him driving himself to school. He sighed, picking up his bag.

"I'm not going on Friday. It's too fucking early for a two-day weekend."

She smiled and nodded. "We can talk about that later." He breezed past her without so much as a "goodbye" and went straight to the garage where his pissed off sister was waiting for him.

As he opened the door, she asked, "what did she have to say to get you to go?" Connor glared at her but didn't say anything. The two didn't usually talk when they had to be in the car together. This morning was no different, and this chilly, silent atmosphere permeated every inch of the car and made the morning commute seem to drag on for hours.

Zoe pulled into a parking space and before she had even put the car in park, Connor had opened the door and was on his way into school.

"Aren't you going to say thank you?" Zoe called after him, annoyed.

"Nope." He ignored his younger sister as he walked straight towards the senior lockers. He didn't really have any books in them yet, but he was an expert at dodging conversation by looking in his locker. Unfortunately that couldn't deter everyone.

"Hey, how was your summer?" He looked up to see that annoying Alana girl. He gave her a blank stare, hoping she would get the hint. She didn't. "Mine was productive." He didn't have the energy to even pretend to care to listen to her hours of community service or her grandma or whatever she was going on about. He shut his locker and walked away as she stayed where she was, staring after him. He was intent on ignoring everyone, no matter the cost. But one unfortunate comment caught his attention.

"Hey Connor. I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

Connor stopped and turned to the source of the comment. Jared fucking Kleinman. The object of his most shameful desires. Connor wouldn't say he had a crush on Kleinman, because generally you were supposed to like the people you had a crush on. What he felt for Jared was more… physical. He would think of Jared almost every time. He wasn't quite sure why, Jared wasn't traditionally attractive, and everything he did pissed Connor off. Nonetheless, nothing turned him on quite like the mental image of hate-fucking the shit out of Jared. He glared at the boy, the image of him bent over and moaning still ingrained in his mind.

"I was kidding. It was a joke."

Connor was unamused. "Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing. Can't you tell?" Jared hesitated, unsure, and Connor took a step towards him. "Am I not laughing _hard enough for you?_ " he yelled after Jared.

Jared chuckled, unsettled. "You're such a freak." God, he hated Jared. As he left, he heard another laugh. He looked over just a touch and noticed that there had been another boy standing there the whole time. That Hansen guy. Evan. Where did this guy get off laughing at him? Evan didn't even know him.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

"What?"

"Stop fucking laughing at me!"

"I'm not!"

"You think I'm a freak?" Connor started moving towards Evan.

"No, I don't—"

"I'm not the freak."

"But I wasn't laugh—"

Connor stormed over. "You're the fucking freak!" With that he shoved Evan to the ground and walked off. As he walked off he heard Zoe come up to Evan. Probably bad mouthing Connor already. He needed to go get his mind off of this. He needed to blow off some steam. He needed to get high.

* * *

Connor had managed to survive the first day back. He had spent about half of his classes high and slept through most of the others. Not gut wrenchingly awful for a first day. He'd gotten a few glares from teachers but he was used to that by now. At this point, he just wanted to get out of there without running into any of his peers. In his experience, the best way to do that at the end of the day was to hide out until most of the other students left. And in his experience the best place to hide out was a computer lab. Very few students came to the computer lab after classes. And he didn't think anyone would be there on the first day. He hurried his way past the students to the computer lab, ignoring all the others. He'd find another ride home. He was sure Zoe would be grateful she didn't have to drive him.

He quietly snuck into the room and breathed a sigh of relief. Inside the room it was quiet, a refreshing contrast from the noisy halls. However, he quickly realized it wasn't entirely quiet. The sound of the printer next to him caught his attention, and he grabbed the paper in the tray. He looked at the first few words. _Dear Evan Hansen_ … He looked up, and sure enough the anxious boy from that morning was staring at a computer, lost in thought.

Connor had had some time to reflect over the events of this morning, and he realized that Evan hadn't actually meant to cause harm, but was rather a victim caught in the wake of the awkwardness of Jared's jackassery. Looking over Evan, he noticed for the first time that there was a cast on his arm. That must've hurt when Connor shove him earlier. Connor wasn't quite sure what to do. He knew he should apologize but wasn't quite sure how.

"So… what happened to your arm?" Evan looked up, surprised. He made a few quick glances around, as if he thought Connor might be talking to someone else.

"Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually."

"You fell out of a tree?" He contemplated this for a moment. "Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." Connor knew it wasn't funny, but he couldn't help but laugh. "Oh my god."

Evan chuckled a bit too. "I know." After the brief laughter died down, an uncomfortable silence took hold.

Connor stepped closer and pointed at the cast. "Um, no one's signed your cast."

Evan looked down, mouth slightly agape. "No, I know."

Connor took a breath and then said, "Well I'll sign it."

Evan looked up, surprised. "Oh. Um… you-you don't have to."

It was too late to back out now. "Do you have a sharpie?"

Evan reached into his pocket and pulled out a sharpie. He meekly held it out, as if afraid. Connor grabbed the marker then roughly grabbed Evan's other arm.

"Ow," Evan winced. Connor wrote his name on the cast in large letters, covering a large portion of the cast. Evan looked down, seemingly disappointed. "Oh, great, thanks."

Connor shrugged. "Now we can both pretend that we have friends."

"Good… good point." Evan made a move to leave, but Connor had one more surprise for Evan.

"Is this yours? I found it on the printer. 'Dear Evan Hansen.' That's your name, right?"

Connor saw a flash of panic cross Evan's face. "Oh that's just a stupid—" Connor looked down at the paper, suspicious. He began reading. "it's a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment…"

"Because there's Zoe." He looked up at Evan. "Is this about my sister?"

"No! Not at all!" Of course. This is what he got for letting his guard down, for trusting.

"You wrote this because you knew I would find it."

"What?"

"You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out, so that I would find it!"

"Why would I do that?"

"So that I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister, and-and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I'm crazy, right?" Connor didn't care if he was acting paranoid or irrational. All he knew is Evan had betrayed his trust.

"No, wait! I don't even—what?"

"Fuck you!" Connor walked out of the computer lab, angrily folding the note amidst Evan's pleas to give him the note back. He stormed through the barren halls and out to the parking lot. To his surprise, Zoe was still there, waiting by the car. When she looked up and saw him, an angry frown formed on her face?

"The fuck were you? I was about to leave without you, asshole."

"Shut up." He walked around the car, slamming the door as he sat down. Zoe got in on the driver's side.

"The fuck happened to you?"

"Shut. Up." While his primary motivation for not explaining what had happened may have been selfish, he was technically protecting Zoe too. For once he had the moral high ground and he couldn't fucking flaunt it. He put in his headphones and looked out the window, desperately trying to take his mind off of what had just happened and trying to focus his train of thought on planning his next move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots to say about this one, lots to say. First of all, I'm dedicating this to my good friend Kian, aka Fanboy, aka lostfanboy, bc he's so patient and is basically the alpha tester for all of my fics and i have a feeling this one will be no different. Second, while I might be the first one on ao3 to do this au with Conman, i'm certainly not the first one to do it. I believe the first fic i read to do this was just called "CONNOR" but I'm not positive, but if you know the fic I'm talking about please let me know so I can give proper credit. Third, it's hard to tell for certain but (assuming I don't abandon this fic) this may be the first long form Conman fic on ao3. go me. fourth, I do want to discuss mental illness with connor to some extent in this fic, but i also know people have very strong opinions on what exactly he has (even mike faist). but the problem with these headcanons, i feel, is that in the source material, connor is alive for all of fifteen minutes and we only see three meaningful interactions, of which at least one could arguably be seen as filler or exposition. what im trying to say here is that i may go with an unpopular headcanon or just straight up not diagnose him. hope everyones cool with that. theres so much left i should say but its nearly one am so im just gonna say let me know what you thought of this first chapter in the comments, talk to me on tumblr my username is official-didney-worl-elmo, and thank you so much for your support. I hope you enjoy this fic!


	2. A Little Bit of Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts and actions

Nothing in Connor's mind made sense. Had it been a few hours or a few days? What had happened in the computer lab? Why did he react that way? Why did it seem like the entire world was crashing down on him? Was he high right now? When was the last time he had eaten? He couldn't deal with it, all these questions pouring down like rain, soaking him with uncertainty. Everything felt far away and foggy, like it wasn't really there.

He suddenly sat up. The world came back into focus, but now seemed almost too sharp. He looked around his room, suspicious. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and carefully stood up, as if the floor might disappear beneath his feet. He walked as quietly as he could to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He placed his hands on the counter and looked into the mirror, noticing for the first time how heavy his breathing was. Why was he like this? Why did he ruin everything and anything that could've been good in his life? Every day felt like another punch to the gut, another ache he just couldn't bear. It always felt like something or someone was out to get him and he just could deal with it anymore. He opened the medicine cabinet, looking for something... something… He wasn't sure.

His eyes stopped on a small orange pill bottle. It had been from the one time that his father had conceded defeat and let his mother try to help him. He'd seen a therapist maybe three times, and he'd prescribed these pills. Of course, he hadn't been on them long enough to see the effects before his father had gotten pissed that the effects weren't instantaneous and cancelled all future appointments, calling therapy a scam and threatening to dispose of the medicine. His mother held onto the bottle, convinced Larry would come around. He didn't.

Connor reached out and grabbed the bottle, looking at the label but almost unable to read it. He shoved the pill bottle in his pocket, almost unaware of what he was doing or thinking. But the impression of the bottle on his pockets was too noticeable. He quickly crept back to his room and began looking around. He finally pulled a dark hoodie off of the floor, pulling it over him. He took the pills out of his pants pocket and stuffed them into the hoodie. It wasn't nearly cold enough to be wearing a hoodie, but he needed something baggy to hide the contents of his pockets. He looked outside, the sun just beginning to set, and he had an idea. Well, more of a vague thought. But it was enough. He rushed down the stairs, heading towards the front door. His mom looked up from the living room.

"Connor, what are you doing?" He neglected to answer, still charging for the front door.

"Your mother asked you a question, Connor." He hadn't noticed his dad, reading something in the corner of the room. "Just where the hell do you think you're going at this hour, young man?"

Connor's hand grasped the doorknob. He turned his head, not really looking at his parents. " _Out_ ," he spat, voice dripping with venom. He turned the knob and sprinted out of the door, slamming it behind him. Moving quickly, he jogged to the end of the street, not turning around to see if either parent had followed him. As soon as he had rounded the corner, he slowed his pace. He knew neither of them would make it here if they were following him. The further from his house he got, the more hesitant he grew. He slowed to a stop, turning around. What was he doing? Where was he planning on going? What was he going to do when he got there? Had he thought any of this through?

He shook his head and turned back around. The answer to all of those questions was a resounding _I don't care_. He began walking again, with purpose, but without a destination. He walked through his neighborhood, eyeing the sunset in his periphery. Before the sun had sunk too far in the sky, he looked up and realized he wasn't in his neighborhood anymore. He kept walking. He listened to a few songs here and there, but was mostly just focused on the wandering. He turned when he wanted to, crossed the streets when there were no cars around, and made the route as complicated as he could make it. He passed buildings, stores, lots that he had known well as a child, and despite his best efforts, memories came flooding back. He really should've gotten high before doing this.

Through the songs, he kept walking. Past nostalgic locations, past cars he recognized, past people he'd never met, he kept walking. The sky turned dark, but he kept walking. He kept walking until he had no idea how long he'd been walking for. Quite suddenly, his legs stopped moving. He looked at his surroundings. He had just entered a park that he recognized. It wasn't the one close to his house but it wasn't that far away. He had remember going there a few times as a child. Maybe it was back when his peers still invited him to stuff. It was just barely familiar enough to accent the foreignness of the things that had changed. Something about it felt… perfect. He walked through the grass and sat down against a tree. He sighed and peered into the dark.

Connor wondered if he'd been afraid of the dark as a child. He imagined he must've been, at some point. But he hadn't felt that way in a long time. It was just something that was. It was almost comforting in a way. Sure, you couldn't see anything, but nothing could see you, either. He sat there, content in the darkness for some time. A few people and a few cars passed. None of them noticed him. He shoved his hands in his pockets as they got a little cold and suddenly remembered why he was wearing that jacket. He pulled the bottle out. He could no longer make out the orange color, but the plastic had a slight shine in the dim moonlight.

Was he really going to do this here and now? Well, he supposed here and now wasn't such a bad place. Connor shook his head. He didn't want to die. He just wanted everything to stop. He wanted to stop feeling so paranoid all the time, he wanted to stop aching every day, he wanted to stop being the screw-up of the family. And as far as he could tell, this was the only way. He opened the bottle and poured a few pills into his hand. He put one between his fingertips, raising it to his lips. The flash of light in his pocket, combined with the startling noise and the sudden vibration, caused him to spit out the pill and drop the others he had been holding in his palm. He screwed the lid back on the bottle and pulled out his phone.

It was a message from that one app. He never got messages. He was even more surprised when he saw the name attached to them.

 

 

> **Evan Hansen**                                                               now
> 
> I know i shouldnt be messaging you like this
> 
> **Evan Hansen**                                                               now
> 
> But i need to talk to you right away
> 
> **Evan Hansen**                                                               now
> 
> Please just message me back if you get this

 

Something subtle changed when he received those messages. He remembered their previous encounter, though he hadn't quite forgotten. He furrowed his brow and reached deep into his pants pocket. Sure enough he found Evan's weird letter about his sister. Enough time had passed that he knew he'd overreacted, but not enough time had passed that he'd admit that. He contemplated how he should go about dealing with this situation for a few minutes. He suddenly stood up, looking around him and brushing himself off.

"What am I doing?" He muttered to himself. He shook his head and began walking out of the park. He would have to deal with that Hansen kid tomorrow. _Tomorrow_. He shuddered at the thought. Just a few minutes ago, _tomorrow_ didn't seem likely. It didn't even seem possible. But now, he was walking home, _tomorrow_ a certainty in his mind. He wondered why those stupid, inconsequential messages changed everything. Evan's plea for help? The fact that he received a message at all? Maybe they hadn't changed anything. But something had changed. And something had made him want to… not stop. He pulled up a map on his phone, wondering how he should celebrate his new-found time on this planet. With a smirk, he thought he could always treat himself by jerking off to a Kleinman fantasy when he got home. He locked his phone and started walking home, steadfast in his intent. No detours. No turns. No wandering.

* * *

When Connor finally arrived home, the clock only displayed three numbers. He quietly snuck in and shut the door, the way he'd learned to years ago. He walked softly, rolling his foot from ball to toe, as he made his way to the staircase. He'd learned years ago that tiptoeing only made more noise, at least the way he did it. As he ascended, he played the delicate game of avoiding the stairs that creaked. It was a tricky balance, as several of the stairs had spots that were safe on completely opposite sides. Having successfully navigated the stairs, he slowly walked his way down the hall to the bathroom. He needed to return the pills without anyone noticing they had been missing in the first place. He was right in front of the bathroom door and was about to head in when it opened. Connor froze where he was, and watched as Zoe jumped in surprise.

"Connor?" she whispered, "What the fuck? Where have you been all night?"

Connor shrugged. "Took a walk. Why didn't you turn on the bathroom light?"

"My eyes don't adjust—Jesus fucking Christ, you scared the shit out of me, asshole!" With this last word, she shoved him. He took a small step back to recover his balance, but the contents of his pockets fell out. Zoe looked confused at the item. Connor tried to reach down and grab it, but Zoe was quicker than him, and it didn't take long for her to recognize what it was. "Why do you have these in your pocket?" Connor didn't respond. "What the fuck were you doing with these?" She shoved the bottle in his face. Taking the chance, he grabbed the bottle back and sidestepped her into the bathroom.

"Getting your hopes up," He responded dryly.

Zoe sighed. "Damn it, Connor. You're an asshole, and I hate you but… that doesn't mean I want you gone." Connor didn't know how to react to that. He and Zoe… weren't like that. They didn't share their feelings, they didn't talk emotionally. That was probably his fault. But it made situations like this impossible to deal with.

Connor smirked. "Well then, today's your lucky day, because I'm not going anywhere." He opened the medicine cabinet, replaced the pills, and closed it back up. "I'm fuckin' here to stay." Zoe stared at him for a few seconds, unsure how to respond. The two stood there, Connor in the threshold of the bathroom, Zoe just outside and looking in. It almost felt as though something had shifted. But both kids were too pragmatic to get their hopes up again. They stood that way for a few seconds before Zoe cleared her throat and spoke again.

"You know Mom and Dad are gonna give you so much shit for coming home so late."

"Yeah. Don't come downstairs for breakfast tomorrow."

A smirk showed up on Zoe's face. "Are you actually giving me advice on how to avoid the shit storm?"

"No, I'm telling you not to cause an even bigger one by telling them about the pills."

Zoe rolled her eyes, but made a zipper motion across her mouth. He stepped out of the bathroom and started walking towards his room, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around.

"Hey Connor?" He waited, indifferent to Zoe's suddenly reserved body language. "I'm… uh, I'm really glad you came home so late." She gave a brief expression of awkwardness before heading back to her room. Connor stared in the direction of her room, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. He shook his head, deciding not to think about it too hard. With that, he turned back around and headed back into his room to celebrate his new-found time on this planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you probably guessed, this is where the fic starts diverting from canon. This was originally going to be a much longer chapter, covering the events in this chapter and the next one, but the longer this chapter got, the more I felt it could stand on its own. It's still not super long (by my standards) but it was the proper place to cut off.  
> Thank you for the kudos! I really appreciate all of it. If you wanna ask me anything about the fic or just talk deh with me, you can yell at me on my tumblr, official-didney-worl-elmo (and i highly recommend you do). I can't remember if I was going to say anything else so that's it for now. Thanks for reading!


	3. Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussed suicide

It was official. School was back in session and it was still the Absolute Worst™. If Connor had been asked any question at that precise moment. He would've done the same exact thing he'd been doing for the past half hour: sit with his head in his hand, staring blankly at the board. Connor felt certain that at this moment in time, nothing could happen that would force a stronger reaction. Of course, when you're that certain about something the universe decides to test your resolve.

"Connor Murphy to Mr. Howard's office." The voice on the loudspeaker had a buzzy quality, but unfortunately everyone in class had heard what had been said. Maybe even the whole school, if they'd forgone finding what class he was in and just used the PA system. The other students looked around at each other, murmuring in anticipation. Even the teacher turned around to stare at Connor.

"Must be a different Connor Murphy," Connor mumbled. This elicited snickering from his classmates, which he ignored to the best of his ability. The teacher gave him a stern glance, but said nothing. Class soon resumed, and it was as if nothing had happened. The same boring thing happened for another six minutes or so before the door to the classroom opened. The entire class turned to look at the person entering, and Connor groaned internally.

"Hi, Mrs. Morris! So sorry to interrupt your class, but we need Connor Murphy at the front office just for a few minutes." Alana cheerfully prattled on. She looked around the room, her face lighting up when she saw Connor towards the back. Connor groaned and leaned his head back, staring up at the ceiling. He reached down and grabbed his bag, making a big show of getting up to leave. As he approached the front of the classroom Alana offered a peppy greeting, which under normal circumstances he would've responded to by flipping her off. But he just didn't have the emotional energy to care all that much at this moment. He quickly followed her out of the room, trying to ignore the students who must've been coming up with the craziest theories the way they were whispering.

"It's such bullshit," he muttered as they walked down the hall.

Alana looked at him, curious. "What is?"

"This. It's bullshit. I haven't even done anything. I haven't been back at school long enough to have broken a rule yet. And yet they're gonna find something wrong and blame it on me, _again_ , and I'll get in trouble for something that never happened rather than admit that the administration is horribly flawed and completely inept at running a school within this awful system."

Alana giggled. "You're not in trouble, Connor. People get called to the office all the time for lots of different reasons."

"You've clearly never met me. My sister? She could be called in for any number of reasons. But me? It's because I've fucked up somehow and this institution doesn't think having to spend most of my youth trapped in this hellhole is enough punishment."

"Has anybody ever told you you have a way with words?"

"Not even once."

"Well you do. I remember when we were in English together. Remember that project we worked together on?"

"Not in the slightest."

"It was on Huck Finn!"

"Oh yeah." He gave a low chuckle. "Fuck Finn."

Alana laughed, then quickly looked around as if afraid of being caught laughing. "That's right, you called it that all the time. Well I remember some of the project, and though I was the one who did most of the project what you did write was really fantastic! You could have really compelling insight on literary analysis."

"Imagine if we had been reading a good book."

"What are you talking about? Huck Finn is considered a classic!"

"And it's objectively one of the shittiest novels in the western canon, and there are some pretty shitty novels in the western canon."

"Oh, is that so?" Alana asked, almost in a teasing manner.

Connor sensed a challenge in Alana's question. A challenge he was up for. "On the Road. Objectively awful. It's boring, and he was high while he wrote it. Nothing wrong with that, but at least edit the book sober."

"No arguments here."

"Great Gatsby. I honestly think F. Scott didn't understand the theme of his own novel. It tells an interesting story but the themes and symbolism leave a lot to be desired in the way they're presented."

"Oh come on, Gatsby is a powerful story about the inability to reclaim lost time."

"Fahrenheit Four-Five-One. Great concept poor execution."

"Now you're just making fun of my favorite novels! Next you'll say Oscar Wilde shouldn't have written The Importance of Being Earnest."

"No, of course not, Earnest is a powerful metaphor on being trapped in the closet written by a bisexual man that loved sucking cock. It's a little dated and leaves something to be desired in the modern world, it was an important piece of work for its time." Alana laughed through the entire second sentence, and the two had to stop for a second until she could breathe again. "Anyway, you're pretty fuckin' smart and you've got strong opinions. Surely there are some books in the canon that you think just don't belong."

Alana diverted her eyes as if about to share a shameful secret, which Connor supposed she was. "Well, maybe a few…" She looked around then turned back and whispered, "I always kind of hated the Grapes of Wrath."

"Well, fuck you, now you're just shitting on my favorite novels."

She laughed at this. "It was just so depressing, and the alternating chapters with the symbolism or whatever was so tedious. I mean that turtle chapter. You're already writing an entire book about the Great Depression, why would you use even more symbolism when you're literally about to explain what happened? And then there's To Kill A Mockingbird."

"That's definitely over-taught, but I think it has strong bones and a strong lesson on racial intolerance."

"Well, Atticus is racist in the new book so…" Connor rolled his eyes at this. "And Lord of the Flies is just so dark I couldn't get into it."

"But it's a treatise on the human condition! Humankind is inherently evil and will turn on each other, given the chance and motive."

" _Man_ is evil," Alana corrected. " _White man_ is evil. _White privileged man_ is evil. You really think the same thing would've happened to a group of women of color? No way. They would work together and build a highly functional society without men and would bemoan their fate when they had to return to the male-dominated society."

"Well, shit, you got me there."

"And Ayn Rand—I don't even know what to say about her, she's just bad."

"Oh my fucking god, don't even get me started on how awful Ayn Rand is." The two laughed as they finally approached the front office. "Well, thanks for getting me out of class, I guess. You're not all bad, Beck."

Alana smiled. "You're alright yourself, Connor."

"Alright. Time to go in and get expelled."

"I promise you're not in trouble. Like you said, it's too early in the year for you to have even broken a rule. And if at some point in the future they do try to expel you, I'll personally vouch for you."

"You might want to reconsider when suddenly your ass is on the line too. But, uh, thanks."

Alana shrugged. "What are acquaintances for?"

Connor nodded hesitantly. That didn't seem like something an acquaintance would offer. It seemed… more familiar. He didn't have time to think about it right now. Whatever trouble he was in, he needed to stop avoiding it. Building his confidence, he made big strides over to Mr. Howard's office and flung the door open.

"Alright, Mr. Howard, what is it you think I did this time?" But scanning around the office, the principal was nowhere to be found. In a chair facing opposite the door sat a woman, about the age of Connor's mother. She stood up when Connor entered. She looked sad, as if she had just been crying. Connor looked around for a second before looking back at the woman. "I'm sorry, I thought Mr. Howard—"

"I asked him to step out. I, um, I wanted to do this… in private." Her voice cracked as she said this, and getting a closer look at her face he could tell her eyes were puffy and red, ad he could see tear stains down her cheeks. "You're Connor, right? Connor Murphy?" He nodded slowly. She sniffed the gestured to the chair across from her. "Please, please sit down. I'm, uh, I'm Heidi. Heidi Hansen." She stuck out her hand for him to shake.

It took a second to register, but it did, leaving him more confused. He shook her hand. "You're Evan's mother."

She nodded, eyes watering. "Um, you know, it's funny. I'd never heard your name before, but there your name was, on his cast. And I wouldn't have known which Connor except, um, except he messaged you." Connor's eyes narrowed. How did she know that? "I didn't think Evan had any friends. But, um, he clearly… he clearly saw you as… or at least as someone he could talk to."

Connor could only fake being polite for so long before the truth exploded from him in a fit of rage. "I'm sorry, Ms. Hansen—"

"Please, call me Heidi."

"—but why are you telling me all of this?"

Heidi looked down. He could hear a few soft sounds, like she was trying to catch her breath. "Evan… he…" she sniffed and looked back up. Connor clearly saw the tears streaming down her face. "Evan took his own life," she said through sobs. She put her face in her hands and began bawling. Connor's eyes widened and his mind went numb. Evan? The shy kid? Suicidal? That was a hard pill to swallow. But dead? That was impossible. He couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it.

"No… he can't be…" He thought back to the times he'd tried to kill himself. Yet here he still was. And someone like Evan… Evan might've been a bit creepy in regards to his sister, but he didn't deserve to die. There was so much rushing through Connor's head, it was too much to process. He didn't know what to think or how to react. All of a sudden, he was back in the principal's office, and Evan's mom was crying. And for some reason, he knew he needed to help her. He walked over and sat next to her. He reached over and gently pat her. Cautiously, he reached his other arm around, and she collapsed into the hug, still sobbing. Connor wasn't sure what the protocol was for consoling the parent of a child who just committed suicide, but that sure as hell wasn't gonna stop him from doing his best.

"I'm so sorry, Ms. Hansen," he murmured. "I'm so sorry."

Heidi pulled away from him, wiping away the tears. She sniffed. "I'm sorry, I just… I can't…" She took a deep breath. "Evan was the one good thing in my life. And now…" She shook her head. "I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner. Evan didn't have many friends and… well I want to get to know the few he did have."

Connor could only nod. "Um… yeah. Sure. That sounds great. Can I… see your phone?" Heidi nodded, pulling it out of her purse and handing it to Connor. He created a new contact and input it into the phone. "Just text me the time and address. I'll be there." Connor looked down again. "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. If there's anything you need from me… anything at all, just text. Or call. I'll be there." Heidi nodded, tears in her eyes. He wasn't sure why he felt so much for this woman, but he knew he wasn't going to let a missed message hurt her ever again. He cautiously stood up, grabbed his bag, and walked out of the room, allowing the grieving mother privacy to attempt to regain her composure.

He sighed as he closed the door behind him. He needed to talk to someone. And as much as he hated to admit it, there was only one person he knew well enough to talk to. He looked around the front office until his eyes landed on Alana, sitting at a computer by the attendance office. He quickly walked over to her, and she waved when she saw him.

"So how did it go? What happened there? Mr. Howard said you were excused from classes for the rest of the day, and I was afraid that you had gotten in trouble, but he assured me—"

"Alana, look, I'll explain it all later, but right now I need to talk to my sister. Do you know what class she's in, or can you look it up on your computer?"

Alana looked at him, perplexed. "Sure, give me one second." Alana quickly typed in a few words and clicked on a few pages. "She's in room B eleven."

"Thanks Alana." He turned to leave, but she called after him.

"Do you want me to call her up here?"

He shook his head. "This won't take long." He sprinted out of the front office and right towards B hall, stopping outside the lockers near the room Zoe was in. He didn't want to be seen. He quickly pulled out his phone and started texting.

 

> **Bratty Sister**
> 
> we need to talk
> 
> I'm kinda in the middle of class
> 
> im outside ur classrm
> 
> tell the teacher u need to piss
> 
> no fuckin way
> 
> u really think i would ask u to do this if it wasnt an emergency?

 

He could've only been waiting for a minute or two, but it felt like an eternity. She walked out of the room and rolled her eyes upon seeing him.

"So what's the emergency?"

Connor looked around, suspicious. Everybody said he had a tendency to be paranoid, but it felt appropriate in this scenario. "Is there someplace we can talk without being heard?"

Zoe scoffed. "I mean, I guess the practice rooms are free this time of day." Zoe sighed. "Come on, I'll show you." Connor followed his sister down the hallways and past the music rooms until she pulled him into a small room with slight soundproofing and a piano. "Now what's the emergency that we have to talk where no one can hear us? This isn't one of your conspiracy theories again, is it?"

Connor sighed, exasperated. "What do you know about Evan Hansen?"

"Wow. Are you fucking kidding me?" Connor stared straight ahead. "Apparently not. I know you shoved him in the hall on the first day back."

Connor rolled his eyes. "But what do you know about him?"

"I mean not a lot. I think he likes jazz. He came to a few concerts last year."

Connor laughed. "He doesn't like jazz, nobody likes jazz. He came to the concerts because he was obsessed with you."

"That's ridiculous."

"That's besides the point though. What else do you know?"

Zoe sighed. "I mean nothing, really. He's pretty shy. He has a cast now? I mean, you should know him better, isn't he in your grade?"

"There's nothing else you know?"

"You know Connor, when you said it was an emergency, I thought you meant like a real emergency. Maybe something happened to Mom and Dad. Or you fucked me over with your latest hair-brained scheme. Or someone died."

"He did."

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Evan Hansen is dead."

Zoe shook her head. "No. No, that can't be right. No, you're playing some sick joke to see how I'll react."

"I just had to console his mother in the office. Believe me, I wish I was playing a joke." Zoe's face fell, and she looked horrified at what she was hearing.

"What happened?"

Connor shrugged. "I dunno. I dunno. Apparently he killed himself." Connor shook his head. "Shoulda been me."

Zoe suddenly turned very angry, punching Connor hard in the arm. "Don't fucking say that!"

"Ok! Jesus fuck. That hurts."

"So why were you talking to Evan's mom?"

Connor sighed. "She thinks we were friends."

"Were you?"

"Of course not, otherwise I wouldn't be asking you this shit."

"Well what did you tell her?"

"I didn't really say anything. I couldn't tell her the truth, she was just… she was too sad. I couldn't do that to her." Zoe shook her head, trying to understand all the new information. "She invited me to dinner, she wants to get to know me."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know! Hence, emergency." He sighed and sat down. "I dunno. You're the nice one, you know how to talk to people. What's my best option here?"

"Well…lying is pretty bad. Lying to a grieving mother is worse."

"So I should tell her the truth? Zoe, she'd be heartbroken. I can't do that to her."

"I know." Zoe sighed and sat down next to him. "If there was only some way you could talk to her without lying or telling the truth…"

"Brilliant. Great advice. I'll take oxymorons for 200."

"Well unless you wanna both lie and tell the truth…"

"I'm fucked, aren't I?"

Zoe looked up. "What if you didn't have to lie explicitly?"

"Well that would be preferable, but not if it means telling the truth."

"No, no, no. Just let her ask questions and answer yes or no based on that. It's not exactly lying, it's more letting her come to her own conclusions."

Connor nodded slowly. "Yes… that could work…" He stood up. "It's perfect. I don't have to make her unreasonably sad. Smart thinking, Zoe."

She stood up next to him. "That's what I'm here for." She pulled out her phone. "Shit, I gotta get back to class now. But… yeah, that was a pretty big emergency." With that she walked out the door, leaving Connor alone. He and Zoe hadn't ever been super close, but he genuinely had no one else to talk to that wasn't likely to tell the truth. But then there was that thing where she punched his arm. And when she realized he'd taken the pills. He knew he was a burden on Zoe, and she probably wouldn't mourn him if he had died. So why was she acting like this? Why did she care that Connor didn't die?

Well, he thought, that's a pretty low bar sibling affection. So it almost made sense. He shook his head and exited the practice room, going over his plan for dinner with Heidi Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a painful chapter to write. There's a lot I could probably say about this, but yeah, I did warn you in the description exactly what was up. Thank you for your comments and kudos, it means a lot to me. If you wanna talk about this fic or deh or any of my other fics you can message me on tumblr at official-didney-worl-elmo. I could say a lot more about this chapter but I think I'll keep it brief and say sorry for the angst and thank you for reading.


	4. Then We're There

Connor wasn't quite sure how he came to be standing outside the Hansen residence. Well that wasn't quite true, he knew Zoe drove him there. He knew that she had offered him a ride after seeing a text from Heidi on his cell phone. And he knew she only saw the text because he was staring off into space while sitting on his bed when she tried to give him back his phone after he left it on the counter. But he wasn't sure how he came to be sitting on his bed. He wasn't sure if he'd attended the rest of his classes after hearing the news about Evan. He knew he wasn't really gonna be in any trouble if he hadn't (well, unless Larry found out), but the fact that he couldn't remember was troubling. It was as if he had teleported straight from the practice room to his bedroom. He didn't like that thought.

Heidi opened the door, a sad smile on her face. She wiped a tear from her eye then gestured for Connor to come in. Connor gave a grave nod in response and followed her in. From the outside, he could tell that the Hansen household was much smaller than his, though in all fairness that wasn't hard. And as far as he understood, Evan was an only child. And wasn't it just Evan's mom? He couldn't be sure, but he had vague memories of Evan crying because his dad left in like second or third grade? Maybe it was a different kid. Or maybe he was misremembering completely. In any case, he hadn't yet seen or heard of Evan's father. He looked at some of the pictures in the hall, and he saw plenty of Evan and plenty of Heidi, but no father it seemed.

His eyes stopped on a rather interesting picture of Evan. It seemed to have been taken recently, probably at the beginning of the summer. He was surrounded by trees and wearing a tan and green outfit that made him look like a complete dork. The smile on his face was exasperated—he was clearly used to his mom taking these pictures, but there was also something sincere about it. A bit embarrassed, but almost excited and…hopeful.

"That one was from the beginning of summer," Heidi said. Connor turned around and looked at her. "He was so proud… his first day."

Connor nodded. "He looks… happy."

Heidi smiled, tears in her eyes. She cleared her throat and pointed down the hall. "The dining room is this way." Connor followed her, afraid of… he wasn't quite sure what. He was well aware of the tightrope he was walking, the sword dangling over his head, the rubber band that he had stretched out, pick your favorite tension metaphor. All he knew as he approached the dining room was that he had to be careful. Any wrong move could shatter the illusion. So he had to be careful about what he said, what he did, anything that might spell his undoing.

"What the fuck is _he_ doing here?" He looked over at the other boy in the dining room. Of course it was Jared Kleinman. Why wouldn't it be? Well, so much for being careful.

"I could ask you the same thing, Kleinman," Connor sneered. He was not in any sort of mood to deal with Jared at the moment. Evan hadn't actually been his friend but Connor still felt hollow learning about his death. It had almost happened to him, probably should've happened to him. And Heidi didn't deserve to deal with this asshat. But Heidi just looked apologetically at Jared.

"I invited him, Jared. He… he signed Evan's cast." Jared glanced from Heidi back to Connor, suspicious.

"Why?" Connor stared at him. He wasn't ready to lie.

"I think the real question is why didn't you sign it?" Jared turned pale at this. Connor knew he had gotten him.

"Connor…" He looked over at Heidi. She wasn't disappointed, or angry, just worried. Connor shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Hansen."

"Please, call me Heidi." Connor nodded absentmindedly. Something dinged from the kitchen. "One second, boys." She walked out of the room, leaving Connor and Jared alone. The two glared at each other, uncomfortable.

"So, why you, Connor? I mean your sister, that would make sense. I mean, Evan totally wanted to bone her, but you—"

"Shut. The fuck. Up." Connor knew he was right, of course. He really shouldn't be here. Except Zoe hadn't signed Evan's cast, and he had. How could such a complex situation arise out of such a simple difference?

"I hope you boys like pizza!" Heidi said as she walked into the room, forcing a smile on her face. Both boys thanked the mother, silently calling a truce to eat dinner. The three sat, looking at the meal, unsure what to do in the somber atmosphere. Finally, Jared hesitantly reached out and put a slice on his plate. Heidi cautiously grabbed a slice for herself, well aware she may not eat it. Following their lead, Connor quickly grabbed a slice, eating it with gusto. When that one was gone, he grabbed another. Then another. Before he could grab a fourth, he looked up and saw both Jared and Heidi looking at him, amused.

"You'd think your parents didn't feed you," Heidi chuckled.

Connor gulped and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Ms., I mean, Heidi. I just haven't had pizza in a while. My mom was Buddhist last year." Heidi nodded, but still seemed a bit confused.

"Wait, wait, wait," Jared interrupted, "your mom was Buddhist _last year_? What is she now?"

"Gluten free," Connor responded nonchalantly, getting a small laugh from both of the others.

"Well don't worry about that, Connor. Your mom's not here and I have another pizza in the oven. Have as much as you want."

Connor wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked up apologetically. "I'm sorry, this is… this, like, this isn't appropriate, really, at all. I just… I don't think I had much to eat today."

"You don't think?" Jared questioned.

"Well… I, um, I don't really remember much from after… after I found out." Heidi nodded grimly.

"It's ok Connor. You need to remember to eat," Heidi replied. This woman was too nice. He couldn't bear to lie to her.

"Have you been eating, Heidi?" Jared asked, concerned. She nodded.

"Don't you worry about me, Jared. I'll… I'll be ok."

"Well, somebody has to worry about you. My mom's been texting me like crazy to make sure you're ok."

Connor quietly cleared his throat. "Is there anything I can do to help? Anything you need from me?"

Heidi shook her head. "No, I just… I just wanted to hear about your and Evan's friendship."

"Yes, Connor, tell us all about this friendship, because I had no idea you even had—I mean, I didn't know you were friends." Jared's voice just tiptoed the mocking line. There was that smug confidence that turned Connor on. He hated it. And yet he wanted nothing more than to take Jared and—

"Yes. What… what did you guys do? Did you hang out here?" Heidi's question mercifully cut his thought short, and gave him the exact kind of material he needed to not-completely-break-Heidi's-heart.

"Yeah. Yeah, um, my place is a little busy. My mom's usually home, and even if she isn't somebody usually is so we didn't hang out there often."

Heidi shook her head confused. "Why wouldn't Evan want to tell me he was hanging out with you?"

"Because he didn't want you to know he was hanging out with a druggie," Jared muttered.

"Jared…" Heidi turned to him, concerned. But Connor realized it wasn't worth presenting a false image of himself only for her to find the truth out later.

"No, he's right." Heidi turned back to Connor, confused, and he took a deep breath. "People say… terrible things about me. And a lot of them are true." He wasn't sure why, but admitting this was harder than he thought. He saw Heidi's look turn from confused to… pitying? Was that what was happening? Or maybe it was trying to process what he and Evan did. "But I promise, Evan never did any of that sh—crap." He saw Heidi's face relax for a second. He continued, "in fact, he was trying to get me to stop," and instantly regretted it. That wasn't true. He was adamantly against anybody or anything trying to rehabilitate him. But he didn't want to make Evan seem like a bad friend and, well…

"What else did you two do?"

Connor looked at the woman and he could only shrug. "I mean, not much. We didn't really hang out that much in person."

Jared chuckled. "That's the first thing you've said tonight that makes sense. I've literally never seen you two hang out. What's up with that? And apparently you shoved him on the first day of school?"

Heidi placed her hand on Jared's arm. "Jared, that's enough."

Connor had to explain it somehow. And an awfully convenient thought popped into his head.

"I didn't want anyone to know we were friends." Jared and Heidi looked at him, awaiting an explanation. "I was an ass. I didn't want anybody to see me hanging out with the… with the 'freak.' And though the feeling may not have been mutual, trust me when I say it was better for Evan that people didn't know he hung out with me." As awful as the words coming out of his mouth were, what was worse was that he could see himself acting that way.

"I made him create a secret and secure email address, and I did the same, so we could email without people knowing." He wasn't sure why he was spending so much time qualifying this lie, it was unnecessary and dangerously risky. "And he tried to talk to me that day so… I panicked and shoved him. I tried to apologize later with the cast but… I was a horrible friend, and I was immature about our friendship. It's what they say about not knowing what you have until… until…" He found himself unable to finish the sentence. He looked back to Heidi, tears in her eyes. He knew this would hurt her, but the truth would hurt her more. Right?

Heidi cleared her throat, but the tears remained. "So… so did you two do… anything together?"

Connor shrugged. He wasn't sure what to say. He just wanted her to not be sad. He wanted her to remember Evan as her son, her happy son. His mind went back to the picture in the hallway.

"There was that time. In the summer. We went to… you know, that place with the trees…" he looked around as if trying to remember.

Heidi perked up in curiosity. "The Ellison state park?" Connor nodded.

"End of May or early June, this picture perfect afternoon we shared."

"He had just become an apprentice park ranger… he was so excited! And I was so proud."

"Park the car right down the street, feel the earth beneath our feet and then we're there." The other two were looking at him, drawn into his story. "A forest park that's filled with trees, we trek a path and shoot the breeze like buddies do. Quoting songs from our favorite bands—telling jokes no one understands except us two." Connor stared off into the distance. He could almost see the trees. "And we talk and take in the view." Heidi grabbed his hands. He looked at her and nodded.

"All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by, for forever. Feels like we could go on for forever, this way. Two friends on a… perfect day." He wasn't sure where all these specific details came from, but they just seemed… right.

"We rest a while and talk about the things we'll do when we get out of school. Bike the Appalachian trail—or write a book, or learn to sail—wouldn't that be cool? There's nothing that we can't discuss, like peers we wish would notice us, but never do." Connor risked a quick glance at Jared. He seemed just as entranced by Connor's story as Heidi. He continued. "He looks around and says to me, 'there's nowhere else I'd rather be' and I say, 'me too.' And we talk and take in the view. We just talk and… take in the view." Connor shrugged, a smile coming over his face. He could almost imaging that being true. Evan in his dorky park ranger outfit reciting tree facts, telling Connor stupid things. Him rolling his eyes, but listening anyways. Maybe they could've been friends. But maybe it was too late for both of them.

"All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by, for forever. Feels like we could go on for forever, this way, this way. All we see is light for forever, 'cause the sun shines bright, for forever. Like we'll be alright for forever this way. Two friends, on a perfect day." Connor stood up, fully engrossed in the story himself by now.

"And there I go, racing towards the tallest tree, far across an uphill path he hears me callin' 'follow me!' There we go, wondering how the world might look from up so high!" He could see the tree and feel the branches beneath his feet. This could've happened. This should've happened. But both he and Evan were too stuck in their own worlds. "One foot after the other—one branch, then to another. I climb higher and higher, I climb 'til the entire sun shines on my face!" And then Connor remembered the broken arm.

"And I suddenly see the branch give way…he's on the ground, and I feel numb." Connor looked down. Maybe he could make a happier ending for Evan. "So I rush down… and he sees I've come to get him…I've come to get him. And everything's…ok." In that moment, Connor almost wished that's what he had been doing that summer. His real summer was much more depressing. "All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by, for forever. Buddy, you and I, for forever, this way… this way… All we see is light! 'Cause the sun burns bright! We could be alright for forever this way. Two friends… _true_ friends on a perfect day." He looked back down. His story was through. But what had he just gotten himself into? He looked up at Heidi. She was smiling with tears in her eyes. She walked over to him and gave him a hug.

"Thank you, Connor." Unsure, Connor wrapped his arms around her. From his periphery, he saw Jared watching the situation with fascination. Connor wasn't sure what was going through Jared's mind, or why he was hugging Heidi, or what he was supposed to think or do about all of this. But he hadn't really been hugged in a long time…and it kinda felt good. Heidi released him from the hug and smiled at him.

"So you emailed?"

Connor nodded. "I could see if there's anything worth reading. Most of it was probably really mundane but, uh, I could bring some next time if you want."

Heidi nodded in response. "That would be wonderful." Connor sat back down and looked over at Jared. For a brief moment, Connor saw a flash of… something on Jared's face. Could it really have been dejection? That's what it looked like. But that was ridiculous. Wasn't it?

Heidi told a few anecdotes over the rest of dinner. The boys stopped to comfort her a few times when she couldn't seem to go on. Despite the terrible tragedy that had brought them together and loomed over the entire dinner, it was almost… nice. Eventually Heidi saw what time it was and insisted both boys went home to their parents. Connor's parents probably would be pissed at him for being out so late, but he didn't particularly care. And any time he could get away from his family was time well spent in his book. Heidi walked the two the door, and they thanked her for the meal. The two walked away, waving goodbye as Heidi looked after them in the doorway. Jared and Connor walked side by side, an uneasy silence between them.

"So, uh, where're you walking to?" Jared asked.

"My place is down here a ways. I think we have the same path for a while."

"Oh." The two kept walking. "Look… I'm sorry about what I said."

Connor shrugged. "It's fine. I'm used to hearing that sort of thing. And I'm sorry about… I mean… I didn't know you and Evan were close."

Jared sighed. "We're—we _were_ family friends. Our parents know each other, so we hung out when we were younger."

Connor nodded. "Uh-huh. And is that… the full story, or…? Like, if you guys weren't exactly friends, why… I mean…"

Jared looked down. "I woke up for school, wanting more than anything to not go. And I hear my mom downstairs on the phone, and she's crying. And I try to just sneak around her and get breakfast, but she puts the phone down and turns around and suddenly I'm there." Jared's voice began shaking. Suddenly Connor didn't want to know. He wanted to stop Jared, but he just kept telling the story. "So I ask what's wrong, and she just holds back tears and says 'Evan's dead.' And I don't even believe her at first, you know? Like Evan is dead? _That_ Evan? Evan _Hansen_? But I look at her face again, and she's just nodding and she said 'he took his own life last night.' And then suddenly I'm glad I never actually got breakfast, because it feels like a punch to the gut, and I practically sprint to the restroom and throw up anything that might've been in my stomach. And I'm just… I'm just leaning over the toilet, and-and it feels like I can't breath, and I don't—I don't remember crying but-but-but my face is wet." Connor pretended not to notice the sudden stammering. He also pretended not to notice the sudden drops of water that appeared in Jared's path. "And whaddya know, I don't have to go to school after all." Jared sloppily wiped his face with his arm. If he hadn't been so sad, Connor might've almost found it… adorable. Which was not a word he ever used to describe Jared. "Anyway, I spent most of the day processing. I came over some time in the afternoon, because I knew how Heidi must have felt. And, you know… Evan didn't really have friends. Or so I thought."

Connor just nodded. "Yeah. I just… I genuinely don't remember what happened after Ms. Hansen told me. Then next thing I remembered pretty much was my sister banging on the door to tell me she was driving me over. It's just been… it's been rough." Jared nodded, then abruptly stopped. Connor slowed his pace and turned around, confused.

"My house… it's right here…" Jared pointed to the street they were on. Connor nodded. It was time for them to part ways. The two stood there awkwardly for a few seconds.

Connor had never been that affectionate, especially not to his classmates, but all of a sudden he stepped forward and put an arm around Jared. He thought this was called a "bro hug." He wasn't sure, seeing as he never really had any "bros" and also lacked any desire to hug people.

"We're gonna get through this," Connor muttered. "Ok?" He stepped back and Jared nodded, bewildered. "This never happened. I'll see you later, Kleinman." And with that he walked off.

"You too, Murphy," he heard Jared call after him. Connor had only just rounded the corner and his mind caught up with him enough to ask him _what the fuck just happened?!_ He had never thought about Jared like that, never wanted to touch him but sexually. And yet he was offering comfort and support? He didn't even think Jared liked Evan. Of course, Connor was one to talk when it came to that subject. But something changed as he talked to Jared. The more Jared talked, the less he seemed like a sexual object in Connor's mind, and the more he became… well, human.

Connor shook his head. He would have to worry about his changing perspective of Jared later. For now, he needed to get back home, talk to Zoe, and figure out how to keep up this… _lie_ … to Heidi. Because that's what it was now. A lie. And the longer he lied, the more dangerous the truth would become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um. Ow. Thanks to Kian as always for suffering with me as I wrote this chapter, and thanks to you guys for the comments and kudos, I really appreciate your support for this fic. I promise that not all of the chapters will hurt this bad, but this one and a few others comin up have to be like super angsty. Sorry. But next chapter is sincerely me so that's gonna be fun! But yeah, talk to me on tumblr (official-didney-worl-elmo, in case you missed the first few chapter notes) and thanks for reading!


	5. Reinvention

Connor opened the door to his house, expecting another confrontation with his parents about why had he been out for so long and him replying it was none of their fucking business, the volume and intensity building until they were all shouting and he needed to leave. But instead there was nothing. No yelling from his father, no concerned "where were you" from his mother, just the sounds of life-as-usual in the Murphy home. Fearing this wouldn't last, he quickly ascended the steps and walked to his room, shutting the door behind him. He lay down on the bed, trying to understand everything that had happened that night. It had been a long few hours for Connor, and All he knew for certain was he had gotten involved in this mess the second he had chosen not to tell Heidi the truth. He needed to think about this issue, he needed to talk it out, but he had no one to talk to, no one who understood what he was going through.

Well, _almost_ no one.

He stood up and walked across the hallway, barging into Zoe's room. Zoe looked up from her textbook, clearly angry.

"Hey, Connor, there's this new trend going around that involves letting people behind closed doors know you are about to enter their room. It's called _knocking_. Maybe you should try it."

"Bite me. Why didn't Mom and Dad yell at me the second I walked through the door?"

"Because… I told them I dropped you off for a study session at somebody's house." Connor faltered.

"Wait, who did you say I was studying with?"

"…Alana Beck." Connor stared at her in disbelief. "They wanted an answer and she was the first one who came to mind that they wouldn't be suspicious of." Connor rolled his eyes but secretly agreed. God, he was going to have to be nice to Zoe now, wasn't he? "So how did it go?" Connor shrugged.

"I mean, how do you think? It was… weird and awkward. I didn't know what to say. I just… I tried to just answer questions but I just said… so much."

"How much is so much?"

"…I kinda made it seem like we were best friends. Told her I was there when he broke his arm. Told her I didn't want anyone to know we were friends."

"For fucks sake, Connor, Really?" Zoe placed her face in her had at this, annoyed with him.

"How else was I supposed to explain the fact that nobody ever saw us talking? Kleinman just kept reminding me I wasn't supposed to be there."

"Wait, wait, wait, Kleinman? Jared Kleinman was there? Why?"

"I dunno, I guess they were friends? Kind of? He didn't really explain it well. But he was really shaken up."

"Really?" Zoe asked in disbelief. Connor completely understood the feeling, he had felt it himself a bit earlier. But he had also seen Jared.

"He broke down into tears. Don't be a fuckin' dick, Zoe, that's my job." Zoe held up her hands defensively.

"Whoa! No need to get all defensive on me. I thought you didn't even like Jared."

"I loathe him." Zoe looked at Connor, curious, before deciding it was best to leave the subject alone.

"So what else did you tell Evan's mom?" Connor thought about it for a second. He thought he had covered his tracks pretty well. And then he remembered the dumbest thing he had said that night, possibly the dumbest thing he had said ever. He pinched the bridge of his nose, angry at himself.

"I told her we emailed using secure accounts. And that I would share anything if I could." Zoe looked at him, eyes wide because… she was impressed? That was the closest known expression Connor could map to her face. If she was impressed, she was probably impressed with how dumb he was.

"Wow. That is genuinely one of the stupidest fucking things you've said. It would be hilarious if it wasn't going to bite you in the ass. And if it wasn't about a dead boy."

"Shit." He thought about what faking the emails would entail. "I mean, I know how to back date them, so I just do that right after I… write them." Connor sighed. "Yeah, I'm so fucking screwed. I've already lied to Ms. Hansen. And Jared. Shit. They're gonna find out."

"Connor, would that really be the worst thing?" Connor looked down, defeated.

"I don't know. I don't fucking know. I just know Heidi's sad right now, and I would do anything to make her feel better." Zoe looked at Connor for some time. She finally sighed.

"Look, I can help you write the emails." Connor looked up at her, suspicious. "…But I'm gonna need some kind of incentive." Connor smirked. Exactly as he had expected.

"I'll do your chores for a day."

"A month."

"Two days."

"You really don't know how to barter, do you?"

"Fine! A week. Take it or… take it."

"That'll do." Zoe dropped her textbook on the ground, pulled out her laptop and began madly typing.

"Wait, you meant, like, _right now_?"

"Yeah, doofus. I did mean, like, right now. I really don't wanna work on my homework right now. And Evan's fake email address is done. Your turn." She handed the laptop to Connor. He hastily created an account, and handed it back to Zoe. "Seriously?" She sighed. "Fine, I'll start." She began typing quickly.

> Dear Evan Hansen,
> 
> We've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each night; I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight.

Connor looked at his sister, annoyed. "Seriously?"

"You have to admit, the whole thing reeks of homoerotic subtext. Secret emails… you didn't want people knowing you were friends…"

"Yeah but this is Evan Hansen we're talking about. Straight-as-an-arrow-madly-in-love-with-you-Evan Hansen. Not to mention when the fuck would I ever use a semicolon? Really all of this is too… proper."

"Alright, fine, you fix it." She handed the laptop back to Connor. "You know, we never really talked about that."

"I'm pretty sure I mentioned how bad Evan wanted you on more than one occasion."

"I meant about who you liked. If you like people."

"Because it's irrelevant. Check this sentence."

> I gotta tell u life without u has been hard

" _Hard?_ "

> has been bad

" _Bad_?"

> has been… rough

"Kinky!" Zoe exclaimed.

> And I miss talking abt life nd other stuff

"Very specific…"

"Shut the fuck up, Zoe." He gave the computer back to Zoe.

> I like my parents

"I'm not that bad," Connor said, annoyed.

> I love my parents but each days another fite. If I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright.

"Smoking drugs." Connor laughed

"You write it, then!" Zoe gave the laptop back to Connor.

> If I stop smoking crack

"Crack?!" Though she only said one word, Zoe had a point.

> If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright. I'll take your advice, try to be more… "nice." I'll turn it around, wait and see.
> 
> Cuz all that it takes is a little reinvention, it's easy to change if you give it your attention, all u gotta do is just believe u can be who u wanna be.
> 
>  
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Me

"Alright, look good?"

"I mean, shouldn't you also give her some emails that Evan wrote?"

"Shit."

"I got you." Zoe began typing furiously.

> Dear Connor Murphy,
> 
> Yes I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs just try to take deep breaths and go on walks.

"No."

> I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees

" _No_."

> You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise!

"I think the fuck not," Connor interrupted.

"You wanna show you were his friend, don't you?"

> Dude, I'm proud of you! Just keep pushing through, you're turning around, I can see

"Just wait and see…" Connor mumbled.

> 'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It's easy to change if you give it your attention, all you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be.
> 
>  
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Me
> 
> P.S. Your sister's hot

"What the fuck?" Zoe burst into laughter, but deleted the line. Together the two of them wrote several more emails, writing the story of two lonely boys and how they somehow found each other in this crazy, fucked up world.

> dear evan hansen
> 
> thanks 4 every note you send

> Dear Connor Murphy,
> 
> I'm just glad to be your friend. Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond

> but not because were gay

> No! Not because we're gay. We're close, but not that way. The only man that I love is my dad.

"What is the deal with Evan's father anyway?" Zoe asked.

"Complicated. He's out of the picture, that's all I can figure out."

> well anyway

> You're getting better everyday

> im gettin better evryday

> Keep getting better everyday!

> Hey.

> Hey!

> Hey!!

> HEY!!!!!!!!
> 
> 'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It's easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do it just believe you can be who you wanna be!
> 
> Sincerely (miss you dearly),
> 
> Me

> Sincerely,
> 
> Me

> Sincerely,
> 
> Me!

> Sincerely,
> 
> Me.

Zoe closed the laptop. Connor looked over at her laughing face. He couldn't remember the last time the two of them had had this much fun. It was almost nice. He held onto some vague memories from when they were kids and didn't totally hate each other yet. There was an apple orchard. A few road trips before they realized they hated road trips. Some birthday parties. He almost felt nostalgic. Deep down he knew Zoe wasn't really a stuck-up bitch, like the persona of her he created in his mind, and deep down Zoe probably knew he wasn't a complete asshole. They'd been pitted against each other for so long. By their parents. By their peers. By themselves. Maybe it was too late for them to be friends. But there were moments the two of them had that made him think maybe, just maybe, their relationship wasn't broken beyond repair. If only he could be a little nicer—

At that moment, their father walked through the door. He saw Connor sitting there with Zoe and his eyes immediately narrowed.

"Connor, don't bother your sister." Connor looked up, annoyed and confused, as if to say _what the fuck_?

"I'm not bothering her!" he said, defensively. "Am I bothering you?"

"You're not bothering me," she replied.

"See, I'm not bothering her," Connor said, vindicated.

"He's not bothering me."

"Stop it, both of you, you're going to give me a headache. Why are you in your sister's room?"

"He asked for help with homework," Zoe said, pointing at the textbook Connor hadn't noticed before.

"Is that so?" The father didn't seem to believe this.

"What, being bad at calculus is a fucking crime now?"

"Language, Connor. I just find it a little suspicious when just earlier today you were studying with Alana Beck."

"We were studying history. Completely different subjects. Unless you can solve for x using the Gettysburg Address." The father and son stared each other down. Larry eventually stepped out of the room.

"I'm watching you, Connor." Connor rolled his eyes and turned back to Zoe.

"Well, we're pretty much done anyway, and I've wasted about half of my reserved sulking time," he joked cautiously.

"Yeah. Despite the questionable ethics and the tightrope of complicated morality we're walking, it wasn't too bad," she admitted. "Let me know if Ms. Hansen needs more emails."

"Will do." Connor walked out of Zoe's room and back into his own. He lay back down on his bed, trying to process everything. So much had happened in just a day, even just an evening. It felt like something had changed in his relationship with both his own sister and Jared fucking Kleinman. He'd never viewed Jared as anything other than a sexual fantasy for him. Well, he still was for some reason (he'd never quite figured out why picturing Jared Kleinman of all people got him hot and bothered), but now he was… more than that. It was weird. And Zoe… he couldn't remember the last time the two of them got along. Also weird, but it was almost nice. And of course, the weirdest of the weird… finding out Evan Hansen was dead. It felt ironic that Evan had unintentionally saved Connor's life, but Connor may have caused Evan more duress, leading him to…

Connor wasn't going to think about this. It wasn't healthy. It just led him down that dark path that Zoe had reprimanded him for several times in the past few days (also weird). Right now, he was going to make sure his door was closed, listen to his music, put his hand in his pants, and think about Jared Kleinman. He needed to relax; he needed a happier way to end the weirdest day of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! The holidays kept me busy, you may have seen a few of my secret santa gifts go up recently. I'm trying to get back to all my old fics (including the AWE universe, if any of you are waiting for an update on that) but it's gonna take a little time ~~especially since I came up with yet another kleinsen fic idea someone pls help me.~~ Anyway, I know this chapter wasn't like the best or most exciting chapter to announce my return, but next chapter is requiem, and um, let's just say it's gonna be sad.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for the comments and kudos, I love reading all your thoughts (even if I'm bad at replying to them). Pls come talk to me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo and i love talking abt fics and deh and musicals and such. Thank you so much for reading, hope to get another chapter up soon.


	6. Without Your Light

The emails had been sitting in Connor's backpack for several days now. They were weighing him down, but he couldn't bring himself to go back to the Hansen household. He couldn't bring himself to see Heidi Hansen, the grieving mother. He hated lying to her but he couldn't bear to tell her the truth. It was an impossible situation. But it was all he could think about while suffering through another day of calculus.

Connor thought of this strange happenstance. For Heidi, Jared, even himself to an extent, it felt like the world should've stopped. Like everything had changed. But the rest of the world didn't notice. Class continued on, somewhat relentlessly, the sun still rose and set each day, and everything was by all accounts normal with the world. The administration had announced Evan's death earlier in the week. A tragic accident, they had called it. Of course they wouldn't cancel school, nobody knew the kid. They hadn't even called an assembly; they had emailed parents in the middle of the day, using the system that usually sent their messages to spam. And nobody had pointed out that Jared Kleinman had been missing from school for several days. Connor was too attentive to think that the school hadn't thought through how to handle it.

The atmosphere in the school had changed, but only slightly. It was quieter. People discussed Evan Hansen's death between classes in hushed tones. The normally deafening hallways were now only loud. During classes groups of friends exchanged knowing glances. Because they all knew Evan. Yet none of them really _knew_ Evan. Evan's death was discussed symbolically more than anything else, less "I can't believe that happened to him," more, "what if that had happened to me?"

As the bell rang and Connor left the class, he realized there was really only one person who openly discussed Evan's death. And she was rushing to keep up with him.

"Connor."

He turned to look at her, still walking through the halls. "Alana." The two walked, silent for a few moments, merely keeping up with the other's pace.

"Can you believe the news?"

"I heard."

Alana nodded. "That day I took you to the front office. That was Mrs. Hansen telling you… right?" Connor nodded. "Connor… I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?"

Connor shrugged. "Hollow."

"I can't even imagine. I mean, I think I always knew you two were friends. And I heard from Zoe that you two were, like, best friends."

"Yeah, um… it sucks. It really sucks."

"I'm sorry." The two walked in awkward silence for a few more yards. "I'm thinking about starting a blog about it. You know, sort of a memorial page for Evan."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Maybe I can collect stories people remember about Evan. Do you have anything interesting you could add?" Connor shook his head. "Zoe was telling me about how you and Evan went hiking this one time, and how you emailed, or you—"

"Alana!" He raised his voice at her then quickly looked around. Only a few of the students had noticed his outburst. "Look, I'm just not… I don't want to talk about it. Ok?" He walked off.

"Connor!" She called after him. He stopped and reluctantly turned around. She walked up to him. "What I'm really trying to say here is… I'm here if you need someone to talk to. Ok?" Connor looked at her thoughtfully, then nodded. He turned back around and walked towards the parking lot. His sister was waiting by her car, as expected. She nodded at him as he approached.

"I need to ask you something."

Zoe sighed. "Listen, Alana forced it out of me. She just wouldn't shut up about you and Evan, and—"

"No, not that. Believe me, I understand dealing with Alana. I, um…" He took a deep breath. "I need a ride to Evan's house later this evening." Zoe looked at him, slightly surprised. "I'm just gonna drop off the letters with Heidi. Should only take a few seconds."

Zoe frowned. "You sure?"

Connor nodded. "I've avoided Heidi for too long."

"Ok. Yeah I can do that. Hop in."

* * *

 "Connor, these are… wonderful!" Heidi's eyes watered as she read the printouts, chronicling the (completely fake) adventures of Evan and Connor. She scanned through one letter and moved onto another, and another.

"I tried to pick out some of the best stuff. There are others, but most of those are boring."

"Connor, I'd love to read anything you have." Connor silently gulped. "Thank you." She reached out her arms and hugged Connor. Connor reciprocated, somewhat awkwardly. His family wasn't too big on hugs anymore. Luckily, at that moment, he saw somebody behind Heidi, making the situation even more awkward. Heidi let go and turned around.

"Jared! Come here, look at what Connor brought!" Jared walked over and glanced over the papers she was holding, suspicious. "It's emails between Evan and Connor! Here, read some of them," she said, holding out the papers to a reluctant Jared.

"Um, actually," Connor interrupted, reaching into his bag, "I have an extra copy. If you want them Jared." Connor held out the papers. Jared seemed hesitant to grab them, but Connor wasn't sure why.

"Yeah, sure." Jared finally grabbed the papers from Connor, closely examining them. "Thanks." He read through one of them. "So, where've you been?" Jared's tone was casual, but Connor couldn't help but feel like he was being accused.

"My parents want me coming home with Zoe, right after school. They get suspicious if I don't come home with her."

"Gee, can't imagine why," Jared responded dryly, not looking up from the emails.

"Jared!" Heidi chastised. Jared looked away, apologetically.

"Sorry, Murphy. Force of habit."

"I get it, Kleinman." Connor smirked at him. Though Jared didn't quite smile, something in his expression softened. Connor felt his heart beat faster for a second and he did the best he could do get it to go back to normal. "It's been hard the last few days. Going to school, acting like everything's normal when…" Connor sighed. "You know." Heidi nodded, sadly.

"Connor, would you like to stay for some food, or-or maybe some tea?"

Connor smiled politely. "Thanks, but it's pretty late, plus I have Zoe waiting out in the car."

"Wait, what time is it?" Heidi glanced at the clock, her eyes widening in surprise when she realized just how late it was. "Oh no, you should get back home soon! You too, Jared."

"Ms. Hansen, I can stay for a while, I can—"

"Jared, you've been here for seven hours! Your mother must be worried sick."

"She knows I'm here!"

"You should go back home. Both of you." Jared sighed. Connor suddenly realized that Jared didn't want to go back home but he wasn't sure why.

"Actually, Jared, if you want I can give you a ride home—well, Zoe can give you a ride home. If you want." Connor wasn't sure why he was offering to take Jared home, he was sure neither of them wanted to spend time together in a confined. But he wanted to… _help_ Jared? He never thought he'd want to help Jared.

Jared smiled as if afraid of disappointing Connor. "Rain check, Murphy. Nah, I think I'll walk. Get some fresh air."

Heidi walked the boys to the front door. "Thank you boys so much for coming over. Connor, these letters…" She smiled and nodded at him. "Thank you."

Connor nodded back. "Yeah, of course." Connor stepped out the door and Jared followed him. Connor noticed Jared hesitate as they ambled down the driveway. "Hey, um…" Jared looked over, confused. "If there's anywhere else you needed to go… or if you just don't want to go home—"

"Murphy!" he yelled. He took a breath and sighed. "Really, thank you, but I… I'll just walk. Ok?"

"Look… I know this just… it sucks, ok, it fucking sucks? But, Jared, if you ever need to talk to anyone… you know. I'm here."

Jared nodded awkwardly. "Yeah, ok. I'll keep that in mind."

Connor looked back at the car. "I should probably head. Zoe's giving me the evil eye. I'll see ya later, Kleinman."

Jared gave a small wave. "See ya later, Murphy." Connor watched Jared as he walked away before turning and walking back to the car.

"So… Jared was there?"

"Yeah."

"…He hasn't been to school in a while."

"I know."

* * *

 

Jared walked through the front door of his house, feeling exhausted. Heidi had made him lunch, but he had barely eaten it, and he hadn't gotten anything for dinner. Probably the last time he'd actually eaten a full meal was the night before he found out…

Jared shivered at the thought and tried to walk towards his room. He didn't get far before his mom called out to him.

"Jared, you're home!"

He reluctantly stopped and turned towards her. "Yeah. Heidi said I should get back."

"Did she drive you? I've been meaning to talk to her—"

"No, um, I walked home."

"Oh." Jared nodded, a little uncomfortable. He made a motion to leave, but his mom interjected. "Jared… we were thinking… perhaps tomorrow you should go back to school." She said it almost as if it was a question, but Jared knew full well it wasn't. He frowned, taking a step backwards.

"No."

"Jared—"

"I can't… I can't go back, I can't deal with this, I can't deal with-with all of them."

"The school called, they're saying you can't miss any more days."

"Then they'll just be unexcused, whatever."

His mom sighed. "We can discuss it over dinner, Jared, but—"

"I ate dinner over there," he lied.

"Really?" she asked, skeptically. "Jared… I can't imagine how hard this is on you, but we want to talk to you, let you know that we're here and we love you." She stepped forward, arms outstretched to give him a hug, but he stepped back, turning to avoid her.

"I'll be in my room," he quickly muttered. He ignored whatever his mother was trying to say to him until he got to his room, closing and locking the door behind him. He couldn't deal with his family right now. They didn't really know what Evan was like, what _he_ had been like to Evan. Evan's last perception of him… of their relationship…

He wanted to talk to somebody. He really did. But other than Evan he only had his camp friends. And none of them had responded to his messages. He knew they were probably busy but… he needed somebody right now. And he felt so alone. He wondered if this was what Evan had felt.

He ignored the thought and sat on his bed. He grabbed the folded letters out of his pockets and began reading again. Connor's friendship with Evan seemed a lot like his own. The only difference being that Evan actually knew Connor liked his presence.

"Why should I play this game of pretend? Remembering through a better tomorrow. Such a dumb dork, but my only friend, and don't the tears just pour." He lay down on top of his bed, holding the letters above him as he struggled to read them, eyes watering. "I could move on and say that I'm fine, go back to school ignore all the sorrow. Say I wasn't his friend, and he wasn't mine. But tell me… tell me what for?" He set the letters down, staring at the ceiling. "Why should I live like you're not gone? Why should I say I couldn't change you, why should I forget and move on from you?" He sighed and shook his head.

"Why should I play the better man and lie? Saying I don't miss you and that I'll see through the dark without your light?" He looked at the letters again and wiped his eyes. "I will sing your requiem tonight." He moved on to the next letter, hoping to feel closer to Evan by reading about the friend he refused to be for him.

* * *

Heidi sat at the table, absentmindedly drinking tea. There was so much she still needed to do that she just… couldn't. She hadn't gone through his things, she could barely find the strength to go into his room. It felt like any day now she was going to walk in and see Evan, fast asleep, or working on some project on his laptop. But she wasn't.

She read over the letters, almost as if rediscovering her son. The son who smiled, and laughed, and joked with a friend. A friend she'd never known he had. It was almost strange, seeing this side of her son come out through these letters. But she thought about how little she had actually been there for Evan, and how that must've hurt him.

"I gave you my world, but I wasn't enough, picking up broken pieces behind you. Looking at photos, going through stuff, so I can sing your requiem…"

* * *

 

> Still can't believe the terrible news about @ EvanHansen. I wouldn't say that we were friends, exactly, more like acquaintances. We were in APUSH together, I'm pretty sure. He was also in my English class in ninth grade, I'm almost positive. (1/2)
> 
> Yeah, he was definitely in my English class. Five days ago, Evan Hansen was here, and now… now he's gone. If Evan meant something to you, please retweet, or private message me if you just wanna talk. At times like these, we could all use a friend. (2/2)

 Alana had agonized over the wording of the tweet. She wasn't quite sure what to say, but she needed to say… something. She had just talked to him a few days ago. It didn't seem like he could really be gone.

A stack of yearbooks cluttered her normally tidy desk. She was looking for something… anything that might tell her anything about Evan. Looking at the past was hard. Alana wasn't fond of the person she used to be. She wasn't entirely fond of the person she currently was. But she had to find something… anything that might connect her to Evan.

"I'm looking back on memories I fear, searching the past I'm trying to find you. I'm holding out hope that you are still here, so I can sing your requiem tonight."

* * *

 

As Jared and Heidi pondered over Connor's letters, they realized the futility of trying to pretend nothing had happened. "Why should I live like you're not gone?"

"Why should I say—"

"I couldn't change you," Alana murmured, unable to find any evidence of Evan's apparent depression. Unable to find any evidence that he had left any impact at all. Unable to find any evidence that she had made any impact at all.

"Why should I forget and move on from you?" Jared cried, trying to find some excuse for the reasons he had acted the way he did towards Evan. "Why should I play the better man and lie? Saying I don't miss you and that—"

"I'll see through the dark," Heidi said. She knew she would. One day.

"—without your light"

"I will find your light," Alana desperately whispered, trying to find any evidence of an interaction between herself and Evan.

"I will sing your requiem," Jared said, unable to deny how much Evan had meant to him, "tonight. 'Cause when the peasants fall, the kingdom doesn't weep. No one even thinks to just remember. No, know one knows at all, when they lay them down to sleep. So don't tell me that I didn't have it wrong, don't tell me that you didn't just belong. After all I put you through, don't say it wasn't true, that you were just someone I barely knew…" Jared let the letters fall to the side. He had known Evan better than almost anyone else. And Evan knew him better than almost anyone else. And he had been too concerned with his image to let himself be friends with Evan.

"'Cause I cannot play the better man and… lie. Saying I don't miss you and that I see through the dark…" For the first time since the incident, he allowed himself to cry openly, without attempting to hide it or stop it.

Heidi set the letters down and put the now empty mug into the sink, slowly cluttering up with dishes she had no energy to wash. "I will sing your requiem…" she said, looking towards the hall and down the way to Evan's bedroom.

Alana impatiently refreshed her twitter page, hoping someone would message. "I will sing your requiem…" she vowed.

"I will sing your requiem…" Jared admitted to himself. "Tonight." Jared pulled himself together, wiping his tears away and trying to control his breathing. He looked at his social media. Alana Beck had posted about Evan. No one else had. He scoffed. What did Alana know about Evan? And yet, there was a cold comfort in the idea that someone was thinking about him. He was about to open Netflix, attempt the impossible task of distracting himself, when he realized something, and decided to finally do something about it.

 

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> murphy
> 
> **Connor Murphy**
> 
> Kleinman

> Whats up?

Jared paused. He wasn't sure what to say. Maybe this was a mistake.

> Jared?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> i miss him

It was a minute before Connor responded.

> **Connor Murphy**
> 
> I know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. I'm also sorry it's so sad. I promise it will get a bit better, but this fic is very angsty. Maybe one day we'll get a less angsty long multichaptered conman fic. As always, talk to me about stuff on tumblr (official-didney-worl-elmo.tumblr.com) and hopefully I'll get the next chapter for this and other fics up soon. Thank you for the kudos, comments, and the support!


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